I honestly don’t know how to begin this blog post without making a joke about what my hair actually looked like. I mean, the fuss I made about shaving it when it really wasn’t much to begin with, is quite ridiculous. I also thought I was through the years of changing my look, seriously, I would insert pictures of what my eyebrows and hair looked like in my teenage years but I don’t need to put anyone through that. But here I am, and I have finally shaved my head.
I actually shaved it on New Years Eve, so for the past 5 weeks I have been walking around with a bald head. I know, what idiot thought it was a good idea to shave their head at this time of the year…*raises hand slowly*.
Before we get to the “why”, I want to briefly talk about the history of my hair. Early years; full, bowl cut, natural platinum blonde followed by buzzed-look (thanks for the foreshadowing Mum). Teen years; something resembling a bike helmet that I woke up 30 mins earlier on a morning to straighten/flatiron. 16/17yrs; box-dyed bleach blonde to go with my atrocious pencilled in eyebrows. 18-20yrs; natural dusty blonde, kept quite short, long if needed for a role. 20+ move to New York, slow decline, thinning, natural colour, kept short. Quite a normal progression I would think. However, with how thin it has gotten in the past 4/5 years, I became incredibly self conscious, especially when the pompadour haircut came into trend. I struggled to identify my look with a particular part of the gay community. What was I classed as? What did I want to look like? I just couldn’t leave these questions alone.
When I decided I wanted to aim to work professionally as an actor, more questions were only added to this. What haircut makes me look presentable and ready to hire? A period piece? Great let me put a side parting in my hair! Now we’re doing a contemporary piece and I need to look younger? Great I’ll do a short back and sides….and that was it. My hair wasn’t yet versed in the variety of characters that would be heading my way. No matter the importance, it just niggled away at me, I wanted to look the part. I wanted to look the part ,as others could.
In the run up to me shaving it, I recognised that I had some time at the start of the year where I didn’t need my hair to be a certain way. The contract I am currently on has no hair requirement. So I spent the back end of 2018 going back and forth between wanting to do it, and feeling reluctant. On the day that I did it, I woke up hyper-sensitive to social media, and found myself looking back over my social media with a negative view. I was scrolling the homepage comparing myself, I was criticising how I looked in certain pictures. The whole thing was stupid. I decided then and there that some time away was the best way forward, I talk about this decision in more detail over on the blog post TAKING SOME TIME which you can read by clicking HERE.
After making that decision, I needed to do something immediately about the self-deprecating criticism I was bestowing on myself. I had already decided, much like the year before, to do Yoga With Adriene’s 30 Day Yoga Journey. If you haven’t heard on this, screw reading my blog, go get your yoga mat, put Day 1 on YouTube and thank me in 30 days. But to go alongside this, I thought, screw it. Today is the day. And I have to say, as overwhelming as it has been, I’m very happy.
After having a bald head for 5 weeks now, I realise how much I used to touch my hair. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have subconsciously touched my head, especially at the gym, to feel relieved that I have none! The weight of worrying what it looking like has been lifted, but it will continue to be something to adapt to. Especially when it comes to applying for acting jobs (new headshots are the next step).
For now though, I think this is a step in the right direction for me toward accepting what I look like and being comfortable in my own skin. My hair is thinning? Great! I’ll make the CHOICE to not have hair, mwahahaha…that’s how this works? Right?
- Happy Sunday Ya’ll!